(inhale) i tense up as you turn and walk off like nothing has happened. like you didn't break me, stab me, hurt me, kill me. like you don't know that i'm crying, dying.
(exhale) pretend like i don't care, don't dream, don't wish, don't need. pretend like your smile doesn't shine brighter than a star, than all the stars out there.
(inhale) i turn slowly now, walk off step by step, imagining that it's just as easy for me to leave it all behind as it was for you. except i can't see straight anymore. except you don't care.
(exhale) i stop, stricken, turn back and collapse. isn't it funny how promises die, how tears fall, how dreams cripple, how you can destroy me and i still want the best for you.
(inhale) my chest tightens, my jaw clenches, and i'm crying so hard that i can't see. or think. can't think about you. it's all flashing by until it hits a wall and shatters.
(exhale) stand up, walk off, and forget, but i can't. stop crying, but i won't. move on, but i'd die. stay here, but i'm already dead. erasing my life from yours. i give in.
Friday, August 14, 2009
she was.
life kept rolling her over like a piece of driftwood in the surf of an angry sea. she was intelligent, she was beautiful, she was well-off, she was friendly and approachable. yet she wasn't able to put the pieces together into any recognizable shape. she wasn't sure who she wanted to be, so she ended up being no one in particular. she was invisible, she was the one you loved so much who... really wasn't there at all.
dreams.
the sky was painted a pale blue, she laid there with an empty space by her side, her knees stained with the colour of the grass beneath her. would it not be so much easier to just lay there ? it's too easy to become comfortable in isolation.
so she laid there, in an eternal slumber, she realized that her dreams were the only place that created a peaceful reatlity. on the grass in the middle of a lonely field, she slept. never waking, only dreaming of contentment.
the grass grew tall enough that she was soon invisible. only the sun, the stars, and the moon had seen her after all this time, her hair grew long, and her body affected by the elements, changed her in new and different ways.
land critters did not disturb her, they merely waited and watched with hopes that one day she would awake, but they set seeds around her and grew compounded fruits and new flowers for her, so that when she did awake, she would have lovely surprises surrounding her.
sky-flyers would drop their feathers every now and again in an attempt to control the wind. wind could very well be used to carry any parchment, but when a sky-flyer specially sends a feather to someone or something, the wind makes the intention so. but their tries went on with no success, so instead they laid there on top of her, allowing her to dream in the realms of undiscovered skies. but one day when she awoke, she would have the ability to soar with them.
the sun shone brightly lit rainbows onto the girl's eyelids to try and wake her, but all it did was change the colour of her iris' beneath the lid. her eyes turned into milky rainbows around a deep black pupil.
the moon sang songs to her, but they merely added to the pleasant dreams.
the stars , however, dropped dust on her. a star's dust can grant any wish once it lands on top of that entity, all they have to do is ask. but with her voice securely fastened in her mind, the dust grew in piles on top of her, waiting for the least bit of voice to carry out a waiting wish.
fire was sent every now and again from the earth's core. it added intensity. the fire, instead of waking her, educated her on things she had never known while awake. it would singe and burn away the superficiality the realm of earth had imposed on her, leaving her with a new, bright, and vibrant mind.
the rain would send swirling mists to aid in the awakening, but that did little, yet for some reason, when the mists settled, it would brand her skin with beautiful, swirling, and very much alive tattoos, each one with a different meaning to it.
and in this eternal slumber she stays, waking only when the world has disappeared.
so she laid there, in an eternal slumber, she realized that her dreams were the only place that created a peaceful reatlity. on the grass in the middle of a lonely field, she slept. never waking, only dreaming of contentment.
the grass grew tall enough that she was soon invisible. only the sun, the stars, and the moon had seen her after all this time, her hair grew long, and her body affected by the elements, changed her in new and different ways.
land critters did not disturb her, they merely waited and watched with hopes that one day she would awake, but they set seeds around her and grew compounded fruits and new flowers for her, so that when she did awake, she would have lovely surprises surrounding her.
sky-flyers would drop their feathers every now and again in an attempt to control the wind. wind could very well be used to carry any parchment, but when a sky-flyer specially sends a feather to someone or something, the wind makes the intention so. but their tries went on with no success, so instead they laid there on top of her, allowing her to dream in the realms of undiscovered skies. but one day when she awoke, she would have the ability to soar with them.
the sun shone brightly lit rainbows onto the girl's eyelids to try and wake her, but all it did was change the colour of her iris' beneath the lid. her eyes turned into milky rainbows around a deep black pupil.
the moon sang songs to her, but they merely added to the pleasant dreams.
the stars , however, dropped dust on her. a star's dust can grant any wish once it lands on top of that entity, all they have to do is ask. but with her voice securely fastened in her mind, the dust grew in piles on top of her, waiting for the least bit of voice to carry out a waiting wish.
fire was sent every now and again from the earth's core. it added intensity. the fire, instead of waking her, educated her on things she had never known while awake. it would singe and burn away the superficiality the realm of earth had imposed on her, leaving her with a new, bright, and vibrant mind.
the rain would send swirling mists to aid in the awakening, but that did little, yet for some reason, when the mists settled, it would brand her skin with beautiful, swirling, and very much alive tattoos, each one with a different meaning to it.
and in this eternal slumber she stays, waking only when the world has disappeared.
invisibility.
i speak in silent words, a speechless language. no one listens.
i laugh in soundless bells, noiseless tones. no one smiles with me.
i shed disguised pearls, a hidden tribute to my feelings. no one watches my tears.
i dress in hidden clothes, masking my soul. no one notices.
i shout in voiceless screams, silent agony. no one hears.
i bleed imaginary blood, scarlet pools of pain. no one sees.
i walk with quiet footsteps, lonely impressions left in sand. no one walks with me.
i dream in shadowy pictures, thoughts swirling in clouds. no one sees my soul.
i speak, i laugh, i cry, i dress, i shout, i bleed, i walk, i dream.. in silence. i live... in invisibility.
i laugh in soundless bells, noiseless tones. no one smiles with me.
i shed disguised pearls, a hidden tribute to my feelings. no one watches my tears.
i dress in hidden clothes, masking my soul. no one notices.
i shout in voiceless screams, silent agony. no one hears.
i bleed imaginary blood, scarlet pools of pain. no one sees.
i walk with quiet footsteps, lonely impressions left in sand. no one walks with me.
i dream in shadowy pictures, thoughts swirling in clouds. no one sees my soul.
i speak, i laugh, i cry, i dress, i shout, i bleed, i walk, i dream.. in silence. i live... in invisibility.
shame.
she glares daggers at me and i want to die. please let me die. chocolate eyes of fire, she breaths loathing into my face, burning my lips, melting my composure. the stench smothers my shallow confidence, suffocates the word i can't say, and i choke on the hate that's so thick in the air, i can taste it. salt mingles with her tangible disgust, tears staining my defeated smile, acid pain drenching pale cheeks. i watch her size me up, me- pathetic, weak, and she laughs.
a metaphorical slap in the face.
grit my teeth, hold back tears, calm my quaking hands, deep breath. my futile attempt to recapture dignity.
what a joke. she smiles mockingly, and i feel myself break. time stops, trapping me in this moment of shame.
a metaphorical slap in the face.
grit my teeth, hold back tears, calm my quaking hands, deep breath. my futile attempt to recapture dignity.
what a joke. she smiles mockingly, and i feel myself break. time stops, trapping me in this moment of shame.
so i went to watch fireworks.
i stand alone, leaning against the railing, gazing into the night as lights rain from the sky. the sparks fly, glittering. faraway explosions litter the silence. a gentle breeze blows through my hair and changes the formation. splashes of colour wink, making the distant stars jealous. i smile as a purple burst erupts from its rocket-like prison. i breathe deeply, softly, and even amidst the hundreds of people in the park, i am still alone. and i stare in awe, amazed by the impossible beauty of fire. i look on at the competing lights, but as quickly as the came, they disappeared, and they are, forever, forgotten.
listen.
i will never forget what you said to me that day.
listen and be still, for i speak of truth. truth that is undeniable and only retrievable from deep within the soul. nothing else matters. not love, not ambition, not money, not dreams. so go, be free. live your life that means nothing.
walls.
suppose the roof is my pain,
and i put up walls to hold it there.
but what did you come and do ?
broke them down without a care.
you crushed me into the rubble,
smashed me into the floor,
i put my everything into these walls,
and you broke down my door.
a door that was never to be opened,
the light was never to see inside,
you broke down my only foundation,
and i have nowhere else to hide.
you said you were trying to help me,
but you just broke me, unable to mend,
now my days will be spent pretending,
while i build up my walls again.
and i put up walls to hold it there.
but what did you come and do ?
broke them down without a care.
you crushed me into the rubble,
smashed me into the floor,
i put my everything into these walls,
and you broke down my door.
a door that was never to be opened,
the light was never to see inside,
you broke down my only foundation,
and i have nowhere else to hide.
you said you were trying to help me,
but you just broke me, unable to mend,
now my days will be spent pretending,
while i build up my walls again.
conversation with a butterfly.
yesterday a butterfly
came floating gently through the sky.
she soared up through the atmosphere,
then drifted close enough to hear.
i said, "i'd love to fly with you
and sail around the way you do.
it looks like it would be so fun
to fly up towards the summer sun.
but i have not your graceful charm,
i haven't wings, just these two arms.
i've been designed to walk around.
my human feet must touch the ground."
then magically she spoke to me
and told me what her wish would be.
she said, "what i'd love most to do
is walk upon God's earth with you,
to squish its sand between my toes,
or touch my finger to my nose.
i'd love just once to walk around
with human feet to touch the ground,
but i have not two legs that swing,
i haven't arms, just these two wings."
and so we went our separate ways
in wonder and in surprise.
for we'd both seen God's precious gifts
through someone else's eyes.
came floating gently through the sky.
she soared up through the atmosphere,
then drifted close enough to hear.
i said, "i'd love to fly with you
and sail around the way you do.
it looks like it would be so fun
to fly up towards the summer sun.
but i have not your graceful charm,
i haven't wings, just these two arms.
i've been designed to walk around.
my human feet must touch the ground."
then magically she spoke to me
and told me what her wish would be.
she said, "what i'd love most to do
is walk upon God's earth with you,
to squish its sand between my toes,
or touch my finger to my nose.
i'd love just once to walk around
with human feet to touch the ground,
but i have not two legs that swing,
i haven't arms, just these two wings."
and so we went our separate ways
in wonder and in surprise.
for we'd both seen God's precious gifts
through someone else's eyes.
i'll always be with you.
if there is ever a tomorrow when we are not together, there is something you must always remember: you are braver than you believe, stronger than you see, and smarter than you think, but most important of all, even if we are apart, i'll always be with you.
-winnie the pooh
-winnie the pooh
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